I have a friend who's baby suffers from strokes and has to wear a padded helmet all the time. I will call her K in this blog. Although she is just a baby, people and especially young children stare. K's helmet is pretty obvious and has her name printed across the front, but I think she looks adorable. However, when we are out in a public area the stares are constant and I can feel her mother feeling vulnerable. I usually take this time to pick up the sweet little girl and make her laugh so that her mother will see that there is nothing wrong with her child's condition does not affect her happiness. I know that these people are not staring at this little ball of fun to make her sad, it is just not something you are used to seeing a child in every day. When I am discussing this with my parents, we talk about that this kind of staring is not something to be seen as offensive and that most people comment on how beautiful and cute she is in her little pink helmet.
My family friends and family often get together and I am usually in charge of babysitting all of the kids. When playing with the kids, it is often hard to have K play as well. I have to be very careful to make sure she does not fall over or get too excited as this might induce a stroke. It is often hard to tell the other children to play easy with her and to not touch her helmet. The kids just seem to be attracted to it and HAVE to touch it and look at it. I tell them that it is like her little force-field and it protects her from getting boo boos. The kids all laugh and usually leave K alone at this point, however they still stare. This stare is less about judgment and more of jealousy because of her awesome force-field. I do not tell them not to stare, because looking at K and seeing how she plays is a learning experience for the kids that will hopefully help them later in life when the encounter different kinds of people with disabilities.
Disabilities affect people daily and the addition of being stared at due to their disability can make it feel even worse to be "different". I realize that staring is hard to just stop doing when you see someone who does not fit the social mold that has been engraved into our heads. However, I do suggest that we think about when we stare what our face looks like. Emotion and thoughts are often expressed through our facial features and when we stare at someone with a disability, our face may show criticism or confusion. Rather I propose we smile and show that we appreciate who they are, disability or not. This may sound very hippie, but I think it is a rather simple solution to an everyday problem that every one has.
I end this blog with some questions. Have you ever caught yourself staring at someone with a disability? Did they make eye contact with you and you quickly looked away? Why did you divert your gaze and not make eye contact and smile? What were you taught as a child about staring?
You make a great point about the message being communicated by a starers face. I think that a smile sounds like a lovely alternative. When I catch myself staring I often feel ashamed and anxious, and my face usually displays those feelings. To the staree, I could appear to be confused and upset by their appearance. I'm unsure smiling would work for me, because I'd probably end up looking like a panicky clown. Garland-Thomson discusses the empathetic stare vs the pity stare. I think that an empathetic stare keeps the staree and starer on level ground. This can allow for mutual comfort and understanding The pity stare, however, positions the staree below the starer. I hope to at least keep my stares empathetic.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with changing the facial expressions. Many a time I've been told I look angry when I'm not, and I hate when people get the wrong impression. When someone catches another staring, their first thought is "something is wrong with me." I think if we changed our expression when staring to something that actually reflects positive interest, people wouldn't get so insecure when being stared at. If I'm ever caught staring, I usually smile back or go over and make conversation.Sometimes I ask about something I was looking at (ie an interesting tattoo or pair of shoes, not disabilities!), but it usually ends nicely and nobody is embarrassed. Since we stare to figure things out, why not take an extra step and get to know something about who we're looking at?
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your blog, Bri. It made me think about not only staring, but how we look when we stare. I have to admit that in reading this book and our blogs, I'm still not one hundred percent sold on the idea that it's okay to stare. I guess my main reason for that is that I never want to offend anybody, and I hate the idea that my staring at a person (or in this case, a baby) might cause them to feel shame or anger. But after reading your blog I feel like you helped me reach the best solution: stare with care! As Garland-Thomson points out, staring is natural and so if I stare at someone (like I have done and will do in the future, whether purposely or not) I simply need to make sure that my staring comes across as non-judgemental. I need to allow my facial expressions to point out that I am simply looking, not making unwarranted assumptions about that person.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you that changing our facial expression would help cure the controversies of staring. Instead of looking down or unknowingly having a skewed up face maybe we should opt for a smile. How amazing would that be? I agree with Michelle that an empathetic stare would convey this message of understanding and therefore keep the stare and the starrer on level ground. As a child I was taught that staring is wrong/rude and I should never do it. When I was younger I would stare at people with disabilities but today I can’t remember a recent time that I stared at someone with a physical disability. I feel like with maturation came this acceptance for unique individuals; seeing “different” people is no longer that much of a “wow,” not too much of an amazement.
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